Beatrice Schultz

As she looked at the test, she didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. It’s a positive… a feint positive it’s called in the world of trying to convince; but you can’t be a little pregnant right? Pregnancy is pregnancy. A little smile crept up at the corners of her mouth as she slowly began to absorb the wonderful revelation.

“I’m pregnant! There is a little human growing within me. I’m going to be a mommy!”

A whirlwind of emotions ran through her: fear, excitement, worry, joy, anticipation, anxiety, pride …
Plans for the future begin to take shape: travel plans need to be adjusted, appointments need to be made, ideas for the nursery began to emerge.

“I’m pregnant!!!!!”

She smiled to herself as she moved about her day with her little secret tucked in her heart; thinking of an exciting sweet way to tell the husband.
A little onsie and card sounds sweet:
“You’re going to be a dad”. Oh how beautiful it looked.

Dr appointment made, plans written down. She was going to be a mommy!
She had waited for this day for so long. She had imagined it all her life, they had trusted and prayed for so long. “Wow! The Lord indeed answers prayer. Im pregnant!” She thought to herself excitedly.

The husband is elated he can not believe the news! “We are going to be parents! We are pregnant!”
They dance, embrace, laugh and celebrate. “Oh what sweet news. We are going to have a baby!”

As they move about the next couple of days they steal glances at each other, smiling at the joy of their little secret. Their little gift, their little miracle, their little hope.

The day finally arrived to see the little one. Oh the joy, it was going to make everything even more real. A little heart beat is what they said they would see pulsating on the sonar. With hope in their hearts and joy on their lips she lay down awaiting to see their little peanut that had already changed her in so many ways.
Only 7 weeks, but already the bond was so strong, the love so pure. The husband holding her hand; she gleamed up at him as the jelly was spread over her belly.

The Dr began the search for the baby: and there ever so perfect was the little one. Wow … she caught her breath.
There was baby, so tiny, so beautiful, so perfect. But her moment was disrupted as the Dr said “sorry there is no heart beat, it appears the baby died this morning”

“How? Is it something I did? Is it something I ate? No… wait it’s not possible it’s a fluke. My baby is still there my body says so, everything in me says it’s there… “ She thought to herself.
The husband held her close as a scream she didn’t realize escaped her lips.
Hope shattered
Dreams broken
She thought this one was the one… She thought this was her rainbow baby.

What to do? Who to tell? No body knew but them. What do they do? How do they heal? Was it ever real?

All she could repeat to herself was:

Our little baby is gone.
Our little one is gone.
Our baby has died …. again.

How do you mourn someone you never met or introduced to anyone? How do you cry about someone you loved with everything in you that you never saw?

Miscarriage is a silent pain that is often filled with shame and regret. Sometimes there are explanations, sometimes there are none.

What I can say is: your baby was real and your pain is valid.